At this stage most of us know consciously we wear masks throughout the day. The mask of what society deems acceptable, the mask of what we perceive to be a good person, parent, spouse, sibling, etc that society wants us to be. These masks are in some case necessary to get through the day, week, years. At what point do we actually review the masks we wear and have worn over the years and remove the ones we no longer need or serve us? How many have actually taken time to see how they feel as they wear each one? When is it time to exfoliate the ones we no longer need, repair the ones that have frayed, or just say screw it and remove them all?
I personally learned about my own masks at a very young age. I quickly learned how to see through most people’s masks by paying attention more to what they do rather than what they say or how they act in general. The actual concrete and repetitive actions of people always revel the truth someone is trying to hide. Words, sentiment, social cues are easy, consistency in character is difficult. That’s part of the reason movies take so long.
So how am I going to personally remove the calcified remnants of past masks, and how many do I really still need. This year is getting back to me at my core and I feel as if there are a lot of buried fragments of only partially discarded masks. I think it’s a bit naive for anyone to believe or ask that all masks be removed. You cannot accomplish that and live in today’s world. You will definitely offend someone and possibly be physically harmed for that. Plus at work and other required things there are often required situations that are unpleasant and we need to have a mask for handling those. Our masks aslo protect our souls in differnt ways when used correctly.
As much as masks serve a purpose, if left unchecked they can crush our own souls. Living a life you do not want out of fear will crush your soul. Entertaining people you call friends, but who are consistently judging you or saying negative things will crush you. Heck, just surrounding yourself with rude, negative and miserable people will crush your soul into nothing. I have seen people get into relationships out of fear of being alone, out of a need for shelter, out of an attempt to look like something more than they are. Ultimately they become husks just doing the bare minimum to survive.
I don’t want that life. I don’t even want the life I have had over the last few years that have not included those things. My life has been about fight or flight and survival. Having my child watch me go through this wonderful world this way is not healthy. It’s not making me happy and it’s not making things easier… so it stops. Written more simply than it will be to accomplish. Habits are hard to break. I have enlisted the assistance of a professional. I think it’s important after major life situations to speak with someone who does not know you or your story. It’s important to have an unaffected space to essentially have a brain restructuring. Much like we rearrange our furniture to make our home feel and work differently, we need to rearrange our internal stories.
Before my soul become completely fossilized, I want to experience it again free of the past. The weightlessness of being who you are, what you are, your priorities, dreams, craziness (as long as it harms no one), your really dumb and clueless parts, your passions, thoughts, and goals beyond the day to day. I miss just laughing or crying for no other reason than it felt right. These days I hold my emotions until I can check my surroundings and give myself permission. SO WRONG for anyone to do to themselves. We are all amazing, wonderful, caring, and crazy people. I have always expected people to love or hate me for me. Granted it has literally always been one or the other, but that’s awesome and unique to me. For the past 2 yrs I have been battling perceptions others have forced on me without having had so much as a conversation with me. I have been battling my ex trying to re-write our history so he is the victim in life. So much so he at one point tried to tell my sister-in-law I forced him into a business he never wanted and forced him to buy a car he never wanted. She promptly reminded him that she was around all the time and remembers us all laughing at him redesigning the car for hours. How he would tell everyone about all his great ideas for the business and how we came up with the idea and then how I suggested an alternative business, but he refused. Why I am I trying to prove who I am to people like this? His wife and her family sit in judgement of me and assist him in making my life and my daughter’s life difficult without taking a moment to find out facts.
The pathetic ignorance I have been battling is so far beneath the life I am trying to build. My life is for my daughter’s betterment and not to prove my worthiness to those without the common faculties anyone over 25 should have. So I’m done with that mask. Over accommodating, attempts to be fair and understanding of those who refuse knowledge is done. That mask is no longer needed. I also think I need to suss out the remainder of the mask from protecting and counteracting my Mother. I have always been the mediator trying to keep the peace, but she has left this earth and there is no longer a need for that. The person who never cracks under situations. I think I deserve to disintegrate, but I have yet to allow myself to. I had too much to do alone for my daughter. My family was there for me, but my daughter’s father was…. lets say unavailable to help our child. She is doing well over all and everything is handled. I need to take the time to fall apart and shed that mask completely. I do not want that stuck. I like feelings, all of them, the good the bad and the ugly because they are real and true.
Exfoliate the unnecessary layers before they calcify your soul. Take a drive, walk, or a few minutes and inventory what is there. See where you also need to do some cleaning. Even just thinking about it opens you up to becoming a more Curious Shiny Happy Person. Life is amazing and ever changing. Change it and yourself into what you truly want, not just surviving.