The Millions of Conversations that Are Never Spoken…. You Know You’ve Done it to.

We have all rehearsed conversations with people before it was time to have the conversation.  We do it before interviews, big clients, first dates, etc.  However I am finding that I am having way too many of them these days.  I get stuck in conversations before they happen but feel inevitable.  Part of me feels like if I do not, then things will be taken all wrong or misunderstood.  Funny thing is they are only conversations with ridiculous and ignorant people. They never seem to be for people I want to or need to impress.  With BA  rehearse a million conversations to not play into his “woe is me” or his need to make me the enemy.  Why am I justifying his incompetence and the garbage of lies he’s told himself and others?  He definitely does not deserve that much power or consideration.  Then there is KK his wife who hides in the shadows from the imaginary monster that he has created. Again, facts over the last two years disprove all of that.. but hey I should be on guard for the ignorant and self righteous.

fear-of-truth-wasting-timeYeah, no more.  I need to stop it and only speak with intelligent people who believe in facts over fantasy.  I need to plot my future and navigate my present.  I have literally spent thousand of hours trying to circumvent the pure ignorant crazy that has been placed upon me.  Why?  It is healthy to rehearse important conversations.  I thought it was better to have things planned out rather than letting the crazy affect me. It seems trying to avoid it has made my brain insane.  I cannot possibly counteract  simple and uncultivated minds with anything if they choose to lie or hide.  So what am I doing and what is it actually accomplishing?

I’m not doing it anymore.  Conversations get absurd, time to end it.  If KK winds up a quivering pile of snot because she has not coping skills and can’t live in the light… why is that my problem?  If BA doesn’t want to learn the reasons for our daughter’s issues, and just wants to play the victim, okay.  I got my daughter in anything she needs.  I will ensure she has one parent who will do the work to help her.

The next question is how to stop.  For the last two years its been fight or flight for me and I have tried to create a fair fight.  Did me no good, but I can show that I did try at every turn.  That is sort where this eventually became out of control.  BA and KK are looking to move around the corner from me, which would be good if KK could have a conversation with me.  We will wind up in court just because I was visiting friends or going about my day because of this, but hey their attorney will take them for all they are worth.  They called their attorney after I ran into KK and my grocery store when they live 45 minutes or more away.

Back to be.  Enough with the crazy simpletons.  Happier brain and thoughts forward.  How to stop the conversations in my head?  Any and all suggestions are welcome.  I read one article and someone suggested a few breaths, looking around and naming 5 things or so you are grateful for in that moment.  I think that could be one option for me.  I just know how crazy my brain has been so I need more.  Thinking to the future plans would be a great one, but I feel I need to get back to me before I can dig that trench effectively.

It’s kind of like when you are in high school getting ready to graduate and someone wants you to choose the rest of your life.  You just survived 4yrs of hormonal and emotional torture, how are you to know?  And if you start digging your trench one way, but then find out you should have gone the other way, you’ve wasted too much time.  Quite frankly, I have wasted enough time.

So what is another thing I can do?  Maybe find something funny to watch, read, or look at.  I’m in sales, people are funny.  Life is really funny if you let it be.  Especially these days with people running into cars because they are too busy looking at their phones.  Or like the other day when someone ran into a bank and no one could enter for a few hours.  These things are only funny when no one gets hurt.

I am also thinking writing a blog post will help.  I know my posts can be long, but I hope they help someone even a little.  I know they are helping me to focus more on me.  You should also know as you read these posts from me, the spelling is edited, the content is not.  It’s a free flowing of thoughts because I feel that is the best way to be the most honest.

Interesting, I have been pre-planning conversations but feel that free flowing is the most honest.  I believe in honesty and truth in everything and having nothing to hide.  If you have to hide it or from it the only reason is because you know you are wrong.  Bad choices you hide if you did them on purpose.  We all make mistakes, but if your mistake was with the best of intentions… celebrate the mistake!  We are human.

No more wasting my brain on those who hide, they’re not worth it.  How about you?

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