Expectations, Reality, and Which One You Choose

I just received an e-mail from BA asking (in the most professional manner possible) for a co-parenting session. After over 2yrs of him fighting them, he is asking for one.  However he is asking because “I feel like there are some things that I am missing that you would like me to do, so we can co-exist better.  Thank you in advance and I look forward to hearing from you.”  Yeah, that is definitely someone looking to co-exist better.

So here is the issue.  After over 2yrs of expecting him to wake up out of zombie mode and actually engage with our daughter, still there is nothing.  I still have to tell BA and KK to put a 6yr old in long sleeves when in the mountain (even she has tried to tell them).  I had to ask that he no longer use the rwd vehicle on snow days when transporting our child (he has 2 other choices).  I still have to beg for them to use conditioner in her hair to properly take care of it.  I have to explain why KK could not take Jet to her first allergy appointment as she does not have legal authority to make medical decisions.  And the list is exhaustive.  Not to mention my daughter always asking why daddy is so angry and sad all the time.  Or her coming home to tell me that KK had to put him in a time out because he was getting crazy.

So I no longer have expectations of him being the father he wanted to be or could easily be.  I’m just going to laugh at the stupidity and sadness that is his life and build a happy childhood for my daughter.  To have an expectation for BA is an exercise in futility and makes my life miserable.  His whole thing is doing what he is told, not my job to tell you what to do.  BA is no longer my monkey and I will no longer visit his zoo.  The reality is that my daughter is going to continue to be hurt and somewhat abused by her father.  KK will continue to hide and pretend she is any sort of a parent while enabling BA to keep doing what he is so he will feel justified.  I cannot do anything about those things.

My reality is, I have a daughter to care for and create a great life for.  I cannot stop the stupidity or the crazy, I can only work around it.  That is my reality and focus.  The feedback of how they affect her has ended,it changes nothing anyways and just causes an issue.  I will work with the school and her therapist to help her cope better with the things I cannot control.  And her and I will be better off for it.  I will concentrate on the happiness of our lives and make sure she knows there is always a sanctuary waiting for her with me.  The reality is we cannot teach someone to be a parent.  We cannot help someone to be more caring and compassionate.  We cannot shield our children from the monsters of the world in all cases.  Please don’t get me wrong, BA is really not a monster, he is a lost soul that is fossilized in masks he has created to please what he thinks everyone else wants.  It’s really sad, but not my problem.

I have also had an expectation of my daughter’s behavior in school that is not working so well. She attempted to sneak toys into school because she know they are not allowed.  She tried really hard to conceal them.  I flipped. I have to attend a behavioral conference this Friday to address her issues.  I know a lot of it stems of BA calling himself a babysitter to her, saying life would be easier if he was nothing to her, saying he does not want to take her out for dinner visits and the like.  How do you say these things to a 6yr old?  I also know that my frustration with the crazy has not been the best it could be. Like this morning with the sneaking toys, definitely could have handled that better.  I do not do well with sneaking and liars, plus being late to work.  Not trying to excuse myself, I know I was wrong.

My reality is that my child is having just as hard of a time dealing with crazy and ridiculously  unnecessary drama as I am, but she probably doesn’t realize what it is.  So I have to find another approach. She already has a parent who screams in her face,makes her feel like an inconvenience and a problem.  I need to approach it in a different manner. Hopefully I will have a light bulb moment at the conference and her therapist and I can find another way to deal with the issues.   I don’t want her to be the problem child because her parents have issues.  Hell, I don’t want to have the issues anymore.  That’s why I’m finding another perspective and another way.

If I have a major light bulb moment, promise I will post it!!

Be CURIOUS enough to search for a way to be SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE!!!

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