For years I have been fighting the perception BA has created of situations and events. Fighting to show the facts for the understanding of truth and I have decided that it has to stop. I cannot continue to waste my time, energy and emotions fighting the lies. Besides, what is the point? Lets say I was able to get him or those around him to look at the facts and realize the truth… how would that enhance my life or more importantly my daughter’s life?
There are some people who live in the victim world. Nothing on this planet will end that until they make the choice for themselves. After 4yrs, probably more, I am relinquishing the self imposed responsibility of how he feels about situations or how those around him see me. It’s not worth it. One of the most horrific things that can happen to a child happened and BA all of a sudden had PTSD for a situation that did not involve him. He feels like a babysitter when he can barely bathe or clothe her appropriately. He shows up for nothing when it comes to her school or counseling, but I make him feel like a babysitter. The lunacy is laughable and my letting it affect me is asinine. So I no longer accept it.
My favorite quote of all time is: “No One Can Make You Feel Inferior Without Your Consent” Roosevelt. It is a profound way of thinking when you realize what is being said. YOU control how you feel in every situation. YOU can change how you feel in every case. YOU accept someone else’s view or YOU don’t. The power we all have over our own minds and even our bodies is amazing. I seem to have forgotten this core belief I gained in Middle School. At that time I was angry and distant having left private catholic school, my Grandparents who raised me, and move in with my Mother and attended public school. My Mother, also raising a child single, had no idea how deal with me. It was understandable as I was with my Grandparents for 7yrs and she saw me on the weekends. Eventually we worked it out in a way,but Middle School was dark and difficult because I felt so out of sorts. Then I found this quote and I stopped caring what other people thought, or more like MIGHT have been thinking. My world opened and flourished.
So why am I allowing BA to make me feel any sort of way? Why I am allowing him to make me responsible for how he feels? Especially when how he feels and what he does is based on the lies he tells himself and those around him? DONE DONE DONE, NO MORE! I am taking ownership of me and my daughter back and ending a job I am not qualified for, do not need, cannot do, and does nothing to enhance our lives.
It starts with recognizing my triggers on this issue. We have a child together and I do not want to make him feel badly, left out of her life, or without a say in how she is raised. Guess what, I have always made sure he has as much access and effect as he wants or chooses. I’ve done what I can and it does not matter how he feels or tries to twist it. I know the truth and the people around us both (know us both) and professionals agree. No more doubt on that one. Knowing he will bottle his anger and eventually take it out on our daughter or on me at least verbally if not physically. This one sucks and is scary, more so when it comes to my daughter. Although weak by nature, I have to give KK credit for putting him in time out when he gets out of control. Luckily they are around her friends and family which helps to keep him under control out of fear they will reject him. If he comes after me, I will deal with it. If he goes after my daughter I will have the authorities handle it and make sure he is never around her again. I do believe he is more apt to come after me than her physically, but his anger is the worst I have ever seen in over a decade.
It seems my biggest trigger is BA using me as an excuse to ignore or not care for his daughter. It’s really not my responsibility to make sure he is a Father. I think the hard thing is that I saw my Father once every 5yrs. He was in the Military and had another family so it was hard with them being stationed all up and down the east coast. However I had the luxury and amazing experience of knowing my Father would always be there for me if and when I needed him. My daughter doesn’t even feel like her Father will be there for a special occasion, no less to help or protect her. However, that is not by anything I have done and I need to learn that their relationship is his choice and his choice alone. All I can do is what I have done which is give him as much access as he wishes and try to mitigate how she feels about him with plausible rationalizations. “Why doesn’t Daddy laugh or smile with me”, “Well, Daddy has a lot going on and is probably just thinking a lot”.
I will no longer accept BA telling me who I am or what I do. I do not own his interpretation and will not allow it to be internalized into anger because it is the opposite of the truth and I feel the need to prove myself.
I only need to prove myself to my daughter, no one else.