When I saw my therapist the other day, she asked me what my perfect life would look like. Yes I am seeing a therapist. Not only do I think it’s a great idea to get a mental checkup, I believe it’s imperative to have someone ask you questions based on your stories to help enlighten you to things you are doing, have forgotten to do, or just another path than what you have been doing.
So she asked me what my perfect life would look like. Then she kept trying, to no avail, to get me to elaborate since my answers were so general. Peace was the biggest. I am a fairly simple girl. I don’t buy into glitz or glam except for the rare special occasion. I am mentally high maintenance, but material things are not all that important to me. I have a fantastic family base, great friends, and more importantly an amazing daughter that keeps my life bright and moving forward. So what is the perfect life for me besides finding viable peace with BA and KK?
Speaking of the thorns in my side, KK is still refusing the co-parenting therapist even though she has been informed how much things are hurting my daughter. BA has lost his job, which I knew but chose to wait for the official announcement. So they definitely will not be purchasing a home in my neighborhood and things are stressed. And he thinks he should have a reduction in child support since he is now on unemployment. This is going to be interesting especially since I told him that for now on every time he and I go to court, KK will be compelled to show as well.
Okay, so enough about the laughable drama. My therapist also said he has too much control over my mental state. I agree. His relationship with his daughter is his alone at this point and I refuse to do anything other than laugh at the absurd things he does not pay attention to. My prefect life is just peace. I am tired of fighting simpletons for their own good and for the good of my daughter. I am tired of explaining things that should not need explaining. Most of all I am tired of defending myself when I have done everything I can to make things amicable. So I need to figure out how to stop.
I could have had BA a job within 24 hours of him being fired, not my problem. I could mitigate the anger that is boiling up inside and will eventually spill onto my daughter, but I have to let things fall as they may. I have to stop remembering who BA is at his core and understand this mess is who he chooses to be and allow my daughter to handle it as she needs to. She is already asking not to go with him when he shows up early. She has asked numerous times to stay home and I expect that to intensify. Quite frankly, he has had every chance.
So my perfect world is peace. Not worrying about the next legal garbage I will have to navigate with my amazing attorney. Not having to explain to my daughter that her daddy doesn’t hate her and she does not make him unhappy, it’s just that his choices have made him that way. Not having to navigate parenthood all by myself because the person who should help is just creating more chaos.
My daughter and I have a good life. Could things be better, we can all say yes. Perfect is never fully achieved until we are at rest. Who has time to rest? The world is amazing, and crazy, and full of wonder to experience. I can rest when I am dead.
Perfect life? I cannot answer with any more detail than peace. I have so many wonderful people around me and my daughter. We are blessed with a roof over our heads and food in our bellies and a true connection to each other with great trust. Would a partner be nice, yes, but I don’t need one for the sake of having one. Would a condo with great neighbors and a fully loaded college fund be nice, yep, but I don’t need that. I need my daughter to be happy and feel loved. I nice glass of Cab, and a goofy show or friend and I am good. So when I see my therapist next, I am still going to have the same answer.
I have had crazy and unbelievable things happen in my life. I had a stepfather with 13 different personalities (2 of which were female), a mother who was bi-polar (not so crazy), lived in a park to break free, graduated from a high school I have never stepped foot in, lived in college housing without graduating high school and proceeded to be drunk (or more) for 3 months straight, was a guest on Oprah, got people out of being sued for credit card debt with no legal training, I am able to find out all sorts of information about people without really trying, and helped my daughter though her encounter with the worst kind of monster. Crazy things just happen. Because I am as strong and capable as I am I think I somewhat attract it into my life. However, all I really want is peace.
My perfect life is peace. No wars legal or verbal, no strange happenstance, no monsters coming out of the shadows, just peace and being able to live.
What is your perfect? Be as detailed or as obscure as you choose. Am I crazy to just want peace in order to have the perfect life?