The Difficulty of Changing Reaction Habits ~ From a Known Fixer

I admit it, I cannot hide it, I cannot deny it, I am a fixer.  You would think was not such a bad thing, unless you remember that I have been living in two years of fight or flight mode. Being a fixer can have wonderful and amazing opportunities to help others and make their lives a bit better.  We have ways of figuring things out and finding even the most obscure solutions.  The downside is we become stuck easily in solution mode and forget to live or let things go.

I am currently working diligently to ignore my fixer instincts and being conscious of my my reactions before I do them.  A little over a week ago my daughter (also apparently a fixer) decided she needed to do something big to get the adults together.  She decided to write a note to the teacher saying she wishes she was dead and then tell people and eventually start hitting her head on the wall.  First thing I did was respond to the school, the second was to contact her therapist.  First thing BA did was contact the guidance counselor and try to schedule a meeting.

Now a little background on this crazy situation.  Ba has told my daughter that he is just a babysitter, that it would be easier of she meant nothing to him, he has (as he put it) smooshed her foot because she stepped on his multiple times, fused to give her medication, yelled and screamed at me in front of her, told her he would rather not take her out for a dinner visit, yelled at her at every house on Halloween, and never allows her to choose anything, not even her own meal at McDonald’s.  He has spoken about fighting me in front of her, screamed in her face until she took off running in fear, and yelled at her again for 45 minutes in the car while she is trapped in a seat. All of this after a severe traumatic incident just over a year ago.  My daughter has stated that he never laughs or jokes with her and she is so ecstatic when he has.

This is a little girl that wants to be loved and wants to love everyone.  Then KK decided she was going to start coming to my neighborhood and hiding for custody exchanges.  So my daughter watches a supposedly grown women get out of the car after a 45 minute drive to avoid a 10 minute custody exchange.  As of all of this isn’t crazy enough, BA brought up the night he attacked me 2yrs ago trying to say I tried to kill him.  Really, these are the things we are discussing around a 6yr old who has been through major things.

So now my daughter’s wonderful school is trying to circle the wagons to help my daughter who is just trying to help her parents.  The school is seriously wonderful, but there is nothing really for them to do.  This is a little girl who is very smart and emotionally aware.  She watches everyone and everything.  She said something like this at the YMCA and spoke to her about it, but did not end her punishment or sound the alarms and it never happened again.  As I am writing this I just received a call from the school that she has done this again.  This time she was in line and told another child she wishes she was dead.  When asked about it she said it’s because she was not first in line and not the best.  My biggest concern is this getting stuck in her head and her always thinking hate or dead.  She told me last night it was her job to make her Dad happy.  I keep trying to explain it’s our jobs, as the adults to make us happy.

Again there are so many thing I want to do in an effort to fix this.  Call up BA and have a deep chat.  That won’t work because even if he would answer the phone the conversation would devolve quickly on both sides.  Take my daughter out of dance for the week because of this so she understands the gravity of what she is saying, but that would probably just add to the negative feelings.  I did send an e-mail to the co-parenting therapist and my daughter’s individual therapist asking what to do.  I am at a loss.  I cannot even have effective communication with the other 2 adults and anything I try to say to them is always taken as an affront.  Forget the facts and timeline of events, I am just the villain.


New ways to to handle this that are not so reactionary on my part.  For right now I am sitting at work typing this post.  In the meantime my brain is overclocking.  For the life of me I cannot figure out how to make this all less crazy for the sake of my child.  I have tried joking around with and helping BA.  That worked for a minute.  Worked pretty well to although he did not really understand what I was doing.  That’s okay, it worked and I knew why I was doing.  The fact is, since I am so keen on facts, I can’t change them hating me or more importantly them making sure my daughter knows they hate me.  I cannot write a manual on the basics of being a parent or how to put another human being before yourself.  You either know those things or you don’t.

What I really can’t figure out is how to handle this for my daughter.  Someone I work with suggested eating humble pie and crawling to them to try to foster a better situation.  First of all, I have done everything possible to foster a better situation.  BA has made it a point to make KK afraid of me so she never gets the whole story and keeps backing me.  BA has to hate me in order to feel justified and it feels like he needs a little excitement and I am the easy target for his hate.  As long as KK never sees the whole picture she will continue to believe that backing him is the best.  However, in the meantime, how do I help my child?  How do I get her to understand that none of this is her fault and really not her problem?  How do I get my Shiny Happy Child back?


I welcome all ideas and will try anything to help my child.  She is my world.



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