So today was one of many in court. Two years of being dragged in and out of court because BA was told my his first fiance that if he was married they could get more custody as the “stable couple” and reduce or eliminate his child support. Then he met (while still engaged) KK and she was easier to control, so he became engaged to her in less than 90 days after a PFA had to be filed because he attacked me. From there that has been court date after court date.
So when I initially filed for support almost 3 years ago, I did so because he was talking about leaving the state and I knew I needed something in place. He was asked to pay $132 a month for the care of his daughter. At this time his mother still lived with me and I paid all of her expenses while she watched my daughter. He caused such a commotion over that amount that woman at domestic relations begged me repeatedly to take him to the Master. That way the Master would assess support based on how much he should be making. I declined as I did not want to create more animosity than needed. Did I also mention that during this and the preceding time I had been feeding him and allowing him to shower in my home since he was living in the nail salon? I did this too to make things less tumultuous, reduce animosity, and to keep him spending time with my daughter.
Then he disappeared for the most part and his mother left. She left shortly after kidnapping my daughter for a few hours to teach me a lesson. Luckily for her I chose to do some research, eventually got the man she was speaking with to find her and reveal the truth and I did not take legal action. Had I called the Feds I would not have been able to stop the legal process. During this whole scary thing, BA knew what was going on and chose to play along. To this day he sees no issue. “I can’t control my mother” has been his mantra. An adult, an actual Father would have told me what was going on so I did not freak out. No one is responsible for another person’s actions, just their own choices. He chose to allow me to freak out.
When his mother left I had to change jobs to be near one of the only 24 hr daycares I could find. I requested an upward deviation thinking it would be a couple of hundred. When the order came down for $852, I could feel his anger and my jaw hit the ground. As we exited the courthouse I told him to calm down and that I was not expecting that. I told him we could work together to figure out how to reduce my childcare costs and get it reduced. Within 2 hours I figured out that if he spent 1 day a week with our daughter I could get it reduced. I tried to speak with him, but all he could say was he was spending $500 a month in fuel. I explained if we went to court with that the Master would tell him to move or change jobs. I spent the next 3 days explaining myself, and defending myself to his first fiance until the moron said, “I need his money. Without it I can’t do anything fun with my son”. I was done. I told her she should be ashamed of herself that she would put a man before her child. BA was neither her child’s father, nor her husband and either way her child did not come before mine when it came to BA.
The next time we went to support was after I had to file the PFA for him attacking me in front of our daughter. There had been months of showing up and screaming at me to where I had to leave my own home so he could spend time with our daughter. He had shown up unannounced and uninvited taking selfies on my back patio while I was at work. Luckily my daughter was at the nanny’s house so he did not scare them. Then walking through my back door unannounced like he owns my home without warning ahead of time. That night eventually turned into the night he attacked me and I had to file the PFA.
This support order was about a year late and I was to a point with my income and the childcare expenses I needed more help. Even as tight as things were, I still agreed to a $200 reduction in what it should be because I try to be fair and accommodating.
The next few court hearings were for custody and I had to get a doctor’s note to get him to acquire an adequate car seat. Seriously, your child’s safety requires a doctor’s note. By this time he was heavily entrenched in KK’s home and he was granted a day. Unfortunately the man I was dating would eventually molest my daughter. Please understand that I did more background checks on this man than anyone before. I even went so far as to speak with his ex-wife. I was not taking any chances with my child. Unfortunately there was nothing anywhere to alert me as to what was coming. Luckily (I say that earnestly) my daughter had no idea anything bad happened. Eventually she will, and there is nothing I can really do to fix that. We caught it early enough. I live my life and I run my house that there are no secrets. There is nothing that ever goes on that we cannot tell everyone. The moment someone tells you to keep a secret you tell the nearest adult you trust. She did and now he is in prison for a VERY long time.
Because of this atrocity, BA was granted 50% custody time and forced my daughter to drive an hour to the ghetto of NE Philly on school days which resulted her being sleep deprived and behavioral issues. He also yelled at her almost every day because he was running late. Not good for a child. Immediately after receiving 50% time thinking there would be a significant reduction in child support. At this time he is paying $1050 a month. I am paying over $17000 a year in childcare, but he thinks he should only pay $500 a month while he makes $60k or more, gets his living expenses covered by his wife whom he tried to marry in secret, and I made less than $40k. Not to mention every time my daughter is ill or has off of school or has to leave school early, I am the one that has to go because he is so indispensable.
For a short time he was able to have it reduced because an idiot Master saw no reason why the childcare expenses had to be part of the order. This after the same Master commented that we cannot agree on anything and I pointed out that I had to file a PFA against him within the year for attacking me in front of out daughter. Hey, Master’s know best. We eventually appealed.
While the appeal was pending, BA did multiple crazy things where my daughter was concerned. The worst of which involved him screaming in her face asking where the guy who molested her was and where a friend of mine was. I was so horrific she took off crying in a corner until KK sent him into time out. I was grateful she did so. However then BA put my daughter in a car and proceeded to scream at her for another 45 minutes as he harrasingly texted me while I was at work. If I had known what was going on….
The co-parenting therapist rightfully decided his time should be limited. In an effort to show that I was not trying to take my daughter from him, I only removed his over nights and turned them into dinner visits instead. With the excepting of my daughter no longer having to drive an hour each way to go to the ghetto in Philly to spend the night, he retained waking hours time. The most important part for him, was I agreed, and adhered to the allowed downward deviation in support as if he still had 50% time. For him it’s about money, for me not more than I need. I didn’t even go after everything I can. On the appeal I went for a little more than necessary to prove a point, but still not all I can.
When we had the appeal the numbers equated to over $1600 a month with him being granted the deviation for 50% time and I agreed on $1400. I could have requested the deviation for additional household income from his wife, the fact that I am still “in the marital home” and the removed the 50% time deviation. I did not.
BA was fired 1-4-17. He has been claiming to everyone that he was fired 1-13-17. Very reminiscent of when he did not work for 2 weeks without telling me so he could cheat on me with a 22yr old and someone he calls the “town alcoholic slut”. At that time in resulted in his car being repossessed as I was the sole income provider for a family of 4 (his mother included) and I was provided funds where possible to keep his salon open. I can only guess what he did in those 9 days he is trying to convince everyone he was working.
So now he has forced a support hearing because he is unemployed and the employer is fighting the unemployment although I can name 6 jobs he could have in 72 hours. I explained to him in the beginning of this year that every time we go to court, KK will be coming to court. I subpoenaed her for that reason. She showed up with her parents, from the Poconos. That was interesting as I was able to see what I have been told. Her father neither likes, nor trusts BA. How could he with the secret courthouse eloping more than a year before the party, the custody any support issues, BA losing 50% time after the man (loosely) I was dating molested my child?
We wind up with the idiot Master again. So all information and facts were pointless. I had actually requested a letter from my co-parenting therapist stating that I would not cause harm or seek punitive remedy for any schedule change caused by his new employment. She chose to go above and beyond with enough to take custody. The last thing I want to do is take custody from him. Co-parenting therapist has begged me twice. My daughter’s therapist has asked me based on the issues my daughter has been having because of how he treats her when they are alone, and still I fight for her right to know her father. I believe it should be her choice to say goodbye to him. With that being said, he has been doing severe mental harm to her and I am not surer how much longer I can fight for his right, and more importantly her. As the co-parenting therapist put it, “sociopaths are not born, they are made and he is making one”. I will protect my daughter at all costs. I am just hoping one day he grows up sooner than later. Unfortunately it is looking more and more like I will have to end the situation once and for all. If I have to do that to keep her safe, it will not be for lack of trying every alternative.
The worst part is, I don’t hate or have any animosity towards KK or BA except for how they have treated my daughter. BA is not worth my spit if her was on fire, but he is my daughter’s father and for that deserves consideration….. except now he is hurting my daughter excessively. His need to hate me to be in a relationship is just sad to me. How someone can choose hate and disdain rather than growth, moving on, and love is a mystery to me. No matter how bad life can be, it’s still amazing and filled with wonder. The adventures and the explorations available when you have a child are amazing and to be cherished. This crazy will quickly come to an end one way or another. After 2 yrs, my stupidity quota is overflowing. After 2yrs of this craziness that is hurting my daughter, I will do what I have fought not to for her sake and I will accept the punishment. However no one gets to hurt or destroy my daughter’s future. Not even her father.
Hearing was the 9th and this was finished as of the 10th of March. Too much to write in one sitting. Too sad to concentrate on for that long.