We all have reasons we do the things we do. Sometimes it’s a benign as habit, or as crazy as fear. However a lot of our choices are really a reflection of those around us. Some are or have been good people with good choices, many are the opposite. How often do any of us take a moment out of our busy lives to really examine why we are doing the things we are doing.
Let me start off by saying I loved my Mother, but I learned a lot of what I do not want, and who I do not want to be from her. I learned that I do not want a co-dependant or one sided relationship. I also learned that I should not damn the Father of my child or keep them apart from her. I learned how to suss out information and trust my gut. I learned to never count on anyone completely and make sure I have a backup plan. The biggest thing I learned from her is to be mindful of all the different angles to view any situation from. Most of what I learned was the opposite of how she lived her life. That is until the right man came into her life and turned it around. The sad part for me is that I don’t think she allowed herself to appreciate the amazing partner who seriously did not see her crazy. He was a great guy and pretty much the only one in her long line of relationships I did not feel the need to protect her from herself. That was kind of my role from 10 on. We will get into those issues in another post as it could fill a novel.
My Father, although I only saw him once every 4-5yrs, always made sure I knew he would be there if I needed him. He is very quiet and strong man. It is not often you see his emotions,but his actions are far louder than any words could be about how much he cares for his children. I know that if I had told my Father early on about things that were happening, he would have ended it, but my job was was to protect my mother. My Father taught me to cherish right and wrong and know the difference. That every choice no matter how small can have major effects. He also taught me that although I may want to step in, sometimes I have to allow my child to experience the consequences of her own choices. He is an amazing person and Father, I wish I could ever express how much so.
My Grandmother was the biggest influence of who I am for more reasons that I can list here. This is a blog and not a novel. The things that 5 foot nothing little Irish woman was able to accomplish and overcome is amazing. The love in her heart for all, and the fierceness for which she fought for the ones she loved is unrivaled. And when it came to information, the alphabet soup of law enforcement agencies could learn a thing or two.
Then there are our friends. Many of our childhood friends teach us how to love ourselves more than anyone else in our lives. Mostly because they are not required by law to like or love us, but they do. Also because we watch them fall and rise through the similar things we are faced with. It helps us to know we will survive. Especially during the teenage years.
Then it’s the former significant others. They teach us what we do and do not want. They teach us to compromise. They teach us to stand for things we truly believe in and not compromise. These lessons come from the largest heartaches and the toughest ties in our lives. Ironically as I right this I had to speak to BA about something concerning our daughter meeting a stranger and calling him her secret friend. There was half a minute of normal conversation because I made sure he heard our 6 yr old say she was afraid of him and of telling him about her new adult friend, but she was not afraid of telling me. Of course he turned it into a woe is me and he is going to take a break from spending time with our daughter and woe is me woe is me. WTF!!! Ugh, I am done with this garbage. I had him listen secretly to our conversation since anything from me is a lie or I’m goading her or whatever nefarious thing he can come up with because I am such a villain. I am done. I am done walking on eggshells so he understands that I am not ur to get him. I am done taking special precautions because he is going to take the worst possible message out of things, I am done with vulnerable narcissism that has plagued my life for way too long. Not worth it. Not worth my effort and I have proven myself over and over again. So his influence has been to make me less than and cowering out of a need to do what is best for our daughter. Done. Over, finite, kiss my arse you pathetic unemployed shell.
I know a lot of the reasons why I am the way I am, I also know I have not paid attention to who I have become over the last couple of years because of the flight or fight mode I have been in. I need to take some time to examine my reasons for and my reactions that have become so automated. I need to specifically decide which things are serving me and which are just garbage. Garbage in, garbage out. I am not garbage and I need to be mindful of what I let in. What has been your motivating factors that you have not been cognizant of?